You don’t need a diagnosis of PTSD in order to be impacted by your past experiences. We have all been given messages throughout our lives that lead to a distorted view of ourselves and our place in the world. When we experienced events and feelings early in life, we had only a child’s ability to understand them. The results stay with us until we address them. Otherwise, thoughts and beliefs linger, such as “It’s my fault,” “I don’t have any control,” or “I’m not safe.”

We were all given messages and teachings from a young age that deeply impact our view of ourselves and those around us. While spirituality and religious communities can provide strength and support, it can sometimes be difficult to parse out which messages are helpful and ring true, and which are harmful. Whether you currently find yourself in a religious space, are in the process of deconstructing, or have chosen to step away, examining how teachings have impacted your core sense of self can be a helpful and healing process.

…Feeling a weight of hopelessness, that things will not get better… Having trouble sleeping, issues focusing during the day… Very real aches and pains throughout your body… No longer enjoying things that used to give your life meaning. Sometimes things that are harder to admit… wishing your kids or your partner would just leave you alone… lacking the energy and motivation to perform at work…letting important tasks pile up to the point that you just can’t face them. Depression takes many forms and impacts people in many different ways. 

Constant racing thoughts. A constant to-do list running through your mind. Constant self-critique. Constant. Constant. Always a focus on what the worst possible outcome might be. A frantic, panicked jump of your heart to your throat with no obvious reason. Or, a numbing, an inability to do anything under the weight of “what ifs.” Anxiety can be hard to name and can be easily disguised by high achievement– for a while. Situations that lead to anxiety can be avoided– until they can’t.  

We can love someone with all that we have and still be beyond overwhelmed and burned out. Family caregivers are so often overlooked, and so often hanging on by a thread while continuing to give of themselves. Loving can be hard: Watching someone we care for so deeply continue to make choices we know will hurt them; or being the target of aggression from a parent who only remembers your name some of the time; being caught in the middle of aging parents and kids who all seem to need more than you have to give. To some it might sound like a cliché, but it is true that you cannot pour from an empty cup. Often loving others well means taking the time to care for yourself. 

Our identities shift throughout our lifetimes. All of us find ourselves navigating changes that feel like they are turning us into someone else: taking on new roles; being taken care of instead of caring for others; understanding and adjusting to new physical limits and limits to independence; losing friends and lifelong connections. Despite these pains and struggles, aging can be a beautiful process involving growth and healing. 

Sometimes dynamics between people become so ingrained, so reactive, that no matter how much both people care for each other conflict feels inevitable and far too frequent. Especially with those we love most, it can be easy to fall into patterns that push our buttons of insecurity and fears, and lead us to react in ways we later regret.